The Leekly Review: Travel edition -Hong Kong

How now spirit? Whither wander you?

I put it in the title. I thought that would… never min… IT’S HONG KONG!

So I went to HK for the first time in 2010. Incidentally, sorry for the ooh lah lah abbreviation. Usually hate anyone who purposefully shines a light on my region-specific ignorance by using a locals-only term. But I can hate it and do it at the same time. Like the National Lottery. Meg often says “don’t hate, discriminate.” I don’t think she has that right. She also watches a lot of Jodie Marsh now. And I KNOW that isn’t right.


Jodie Marsh: Glamour model, TV presenter and surgically-enhanced amateur woodpecker.

Hong Kong (Honk Konk) is the badass bigger brother of Macau (check my review, but don’t bother going

Hong Kong is one of the true global cities of the world and was one of the choicest plots of land the rum-addled mutton-chopped British navy wrenched from the grasping hands  of Johnny Foreigner (who invariably “conveniently” had always lived there.) After a skirmish with some sailors led the local head honcho (Honcho Koncho) to burn a big pile of Queen Vic Brand opium (very moreish), the canny Brits sailed half-way around the world to set up shop and require everyone to boil all their meat.

When I first went, it was 2010, the Summer of Glove (when a glove puppet crashed an oil tanker into the Alps, no survivors, or fatalities). My folks were meant to be visiting Japan where Meg and I were living at the time. Then there was a tsunami, nuclear meltdown and general chaos. Assume it was caused by a glove puppet (I’m prejudiced now). Instead of pursuing the plan, we decided to meet in Hong Kong (Honf Konf) and spend a few days there instead. Good move past-Mark!

As this was, in part, a holiday from my more restricted Japanese life, highlights included late-night inner-city horse racing (with on-site McDonalds), favourite UK brands (in particular Lucozade) and Kangaroo pizza. After arriving solo, I decided to have a little walk around the block to orient myself. From the crimeless environs of rural Japan it was invigorating to see people with other skin colours (not a thing in Japan), real shady dudes offering you literally “whatever,” tropical birds and basically all the madness of human society shambling the sidewalks.


Late night gambling on animals surrounded by skyscrapers. Now add booze and chicken nuggets. That feeling? That’s life that is!

As I reached the end of the street, it ended abruptly in… the sea where there was a mega-yacht with a whole Arabic family, clearly richer than God who were encouraging the boat-pilot to get closer to the footpath so that several women in ballgowns could join their tuxedoed partners on land. On the other side of this effort was the coast guard, who had several boats around with megaphones telling them “this is not a port, it’s just the street.”

When I finally met up with my mother, I told her how good it was to see foreigners again. She responded that she had just seen more Asians in the past ten minutes than she had in the rest of her life put together.

Did I mention I took a tram with Man Utd old-boy Nicky Butt? God what a place!

I returned about 4 months later for two days and  I will be departing Blighty for Hong Kong (Hotch Kotch) next Monday, hence it being my topic. Right now. In this sentence you are reading. Now.

Maximum yes!

The Toner of Leek

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