On Mexicans* he will dump,
It’s Donald “The McRonald” Trump!
*and women and homosexuals and butchers and bakers and candlestickma… Actually the list is shorter if you do it the other way around. The wigweavers guild is probably in good shape. And whatever indentured labour he has on waxing duty. Everyone else, we’re up slack alley.
So in the past year, myself and the missus have moved down to the sarf of the UK to jelly our eels, tell porkies and all other kinds of cockney nonsense (cocknonsense). My partner Meg works in the top medical diagnostic company that is also a name for manly-juice (Siemens) and I work for the Fur Trade. Yep. That one.
It’s definitely been one of my more interesting career choices and this is amongst positions that have placed my cornhole at severe risk of punishment by tiny Asian digits (it’s called a Kancho) and a job that literally had “randomness” in the title.
Behold, yon kancho.A situation my taint did not want, in a cartoon it did not draw.
It’s lead to me doing a lot more travel (as has being in gainful employment) especially over the past few weeks. For instance…
Meaghan (or “The Mooer” as is her wrestling name) and I shkootered over to NYC for a few days and set about undoing two months of dieting in a haze of brown paper bag cocktails and cheesecake in bed. A noteworthy highlight was sharing a subway (the conveyance, not the thing where murder-eyed “sandwich artists” work) with a guy who in a packed car would shout-sing:
“DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE!?”
Back sweat? A t-shirt with a bald eagle dry-humping a US flag? Cataracts? We need to know!
I think he was like, keen on Jesus. But that’t no excuse for a ruckus. A small kid started asking her mom why “the man” was shouting. She got good and shushed. Another top moment was wandering the streets of NYC trying to find a willing belly for the last slice of the best pizza I may have ever eaten. Meg came up to a homeless guy who was shambling around whimpering at passers by:
“I am so hangry, pleezze help me.”
“Would you like some food?”
“No. I want mahney.”
Honesty, my man will only get you so far, especially when you’re turning down Jehovah’s own slice.
We picked up a few bottles of water for the night and continued on. Deciding this pizza was too good to dump I went up to a chap nearer now to our hotel:
“Would you like a slice of really good pizza?” (apparently you need a bit of razmatazz to shift free pizza these days)
“Naw man… but I’ll take that water.”
Yeah I gave it to him, though I felt a bit of a goon. It was partially becuase he went on a aggressive rant about people judging him for “changing my socks in the street.” Of course he said all of this from a madmans throne of garbage and he smelled like he’d died a few weeks before but it was working its way out from the middle.
In other news I was also in Israel recently and made to feel like a little nancy-nugget by one of the typical macho national-service hardened types out there. I try to use whatever local language I have wherever I am even if its learning the word for thanks and I can generally copy pronunciation well.
One of these guys pushed over a half-melon sized bowl of hummus.
“Mark do you like <guttural throat clearance that I realise halfway in is voluntary and 3/4s in is language>ummus?”
“Oh yes. I like <pause to judge my willingness to go it like a local> whomass”
900 bitch points, right here. Toughy alert.
I am hoping to get a rhythm going where I do two of these a week (both a little shorter than this), one as a mini-diary and the other talking about some kind of thing I like. Movies, podcasts… a saucy pair of chinos. Give your homeboy a holla if you have any suggestions or questions. And let me know how you’re getting on. Jerks that I care about!
I’m quite gruff you see. But with a heart of gold. Like Jamie Lee Curtis as the hooker in Changing Places. Also like her, if you watch very carefully you might see me with my top off for a split second in the second act. I was working for Akroyd at the time and I needed the green.
See you lateray and with regularitay!
Jamie Leek Curtis